An Enya-inspired tracklist and bubble bath does not a spa make…

Spa etiquette – the dos and don’t of your supposed-relaxation experience. Arrive early, shower before, tips are welcome, turn off your cellphone… I often wonder if there is a therapist checklist because there certainly should be!

If I had to jot down some ideas, the list would go something like this:

1. Don’t talk to me, I am here to relax. I don’t want to hear about you gran’s 80^th birthday, your divorce or anything else really. Sorry.
2. Stop asking me questions. I am (still) here to chill out, possibly fall asleep and wake up feeling beautiful.
3. File your nails and smell nice – there is nothing more awkward than a silky massage punctuated with a sharp scratching nail, or being muffled by a therapist’s ample bosom. Unless you like that – I don’t  judge….
4. I am so happy with my current facial moisturiser/body cream so no, I do not want to use your much more expensive offering.
5. Temperature control please! Scalding my feet in hot water or trying to cryogenically freeze me is unpleasant.

That said, the best massage I’ve ever had was at Singapore’s Changi Airport. Even though I paid for a shoulder and neck treatment, the masseuse spent a lot of time massaging my, um, derriere. It was surprisingly lovely.

Back home, I’ve always had wonderful experiences at Verona Day Spa (save up and try anything off their Moroccan menu) so when it comes to going somewhere new I’m a spa skeptic. Owning an Enya CD and a mat that makes bubbles in your bathtub does not make you a day spa.

Recently venturing to the slightly-dilapidated Villa ‘D Este Day Spa in Saxonwold, I excitedly changed into something more comfortable… only to be taken into a waiting room to be presented with a cup of Thalgo Les Infus’Oceanes tea. Like it and buy it you say?

(I did like that the lady behind the desk greeted me with a “you’re beautiful!” as I walked in. Scripted? Possibly.)

But unlike Mangwanani where it is natural to see zombie-like women parading around in gowns and slippers (loving that mental institution look), I was alone. And the very first thing I noticed in my treatment room was the lack of music. After mentally preparing myself for an panpipe marathon, it was quite peaceful to hear birds…

I chose an Indian head massage and a spa pedicure and they were both really enjoyable – Camelot clearly knows what they’re doing in the relaxation department. And while the lady did commit three out of the five sins (marine tea – ugh!) I would definitely go back… for a week.